Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. You absolutely can. But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. People use it for all sorts of reasons. I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. I love organizing events and I confess to having asked that annoying question several times, mostly in order to know if a particular friend I would love to invite is available on that date. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. . It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). Him: You must be doing something. But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. Its great that you can come!. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. I dont know? Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. Him: Nothing fun? Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. LW, I forgot the part where you said some of this is coming from people youre chatting to on dating websites, and you feel like its an attempt to get you to plan the date. Young women and girls are not stupid. Eating. Im not talking about not dealing with this. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! ), but I can tell you that even from that POV, I generally have few expectations of this kind of question. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. I know it is super common usage as a general term for silly / disorganised but its actually an ablist term which a lot of people with disabilities have had thrown at them as a slur. This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. Its the best. I used to get caught by this question. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. Lead with the actual invitation. Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. You're supposed to live it and enjoy it. Not blond but like superwhite. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. Also works for the similar How ARE you? @Grant Us Eyes mentioned. We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. I was usually planning board game evenings and role playing games and I only tried to ask people whom I knew to be interested in what I was planning. On the other hand, that was a while ago. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Its a way of saying I enjoy spending time with you in a general sense, but without any plans to actually do that. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. So I said, Dont do this. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) What works for you? (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). 7. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. This is my reaction. The one my family goes with is Surviving. Xoxo. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. - Ogden Nash - Old timers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. 3. If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude! Going to mars where children don't ask questions. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. Which is honest at least. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. (You could also just say no and keep going, but that can cause conflict with them, which you might or might not want.) Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. Me: Working. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? No, it had just been earlier that very day. Answer with small truths. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. What you are currently doing. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. These people arent trying to gotcha! No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. (Like the How are you? inquiries) Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. Making conversions . Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. I love that you are into mountain biking! Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. Ahhhh the family stuff. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. Thank you!!! My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. men. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. Enjoying life and nothing else. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Absolutely, this too. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. No way. "It's going well.". It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. (Rememberif she had specific other plans, thats a reasonable excuse. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Amazing what showering can do for you. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. On a walk with my dinosaur. Going back to work? This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. It sounds to me like an attempt to take away my ability to say no. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! All of these. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Example: What are you doing? People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! "Hi" or "Hello". I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. 126 followers. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. How are you? as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. Im glad its not a way to get rid of someone/blow them off without saying so. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. Why does it need taking care of?? Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. It can be a white lie! Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". You would think, right? Mittens and I can primal scream together.
